@iGreenMonk: Love is a battlefield. And I fight naked.
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@djdarrellripley: Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street? Me: I was only going one way...
@stephenjmolloy: [Trying to impress a girl on a date] Me: "Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free."
@SonOfCha: Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
@Better_Clever: Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives.. What the hell is wrong with you?!