Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
crochet youtube is brutal
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.