someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
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Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here