PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”