When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The news
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.