This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
For the orator and chef in all of us
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain