Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’m sorry…what?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Wait for it
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”