Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
buys donuts instead
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*