Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You Might Also Like
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.