[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Smooooooth
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do