[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*bites zombie*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
got so much cardio in today
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.