@RidiculousSheri: Love means never having to say you're sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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@flashember: ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
@AndySandford: Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it's not up to me to find these kids?
@RickAaron: I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.