Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
You Might Also Like
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
dream blunt rotation
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
So true for me
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.