@RidiculousSheri: Love means never having to say you're sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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@joejwest: [restaurant] WAITER: [brings bill] ME: I got this DATE: Thanks ME: [gets out piggy bank] [hits it w/ hammer] [it is filled w/ bees] ME: RUN
@david8hughes: [police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."
@SortaBad: Tip for teens: If you're buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring