Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.