Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
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The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
huge valentines day plans this year!!
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Growing up was a huge mistake
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great