@GuyConfused: Love my pillow so much because it doesn't leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
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@PinkLipschitz: Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
@TheDailySchmuck: Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.
@WorIdComedy: mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet mom: (._. ) me: I'm just kidding call the cops