@GuyConfused: Love my pillow so much because it doesn't leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
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@Fred_Delicious: BREAKING: Pot calls kettle "black". "Racial tension at boiling point" says mayor of kitchen cupboard
@julieklausner: I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun
@UncleDuke1969: Inspirational Tweet: Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today's clean laundry. Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
@scorpicpanda: If I've learned one thing from watching horror movies, it's if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.