@GuyConfused: Love my pillow so much because it doesn't leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
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@SirEvisiae: *pretends to throw ball* *dog runs to chase it* Ha, stupid dog. *dog keeps running, disappears over horizon* Um *dog tackles me from behind*
@trevso_electric: Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.
@JCWisdomNuggets: Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called "babysitting". You're wrong. It's called "parenting". Not the same.
@SirEviscerate: Ugh, I'm starting to regret getting bangs. "You don't have bangs." Wait, what's that thing you get when a bat bites you? "Rabies?" That's it