Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Mood.. 😂
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.