Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’ve had worse
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.