Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.