this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact