Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
You Might Also Like
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I only treason on days ending in y
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car