Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”