Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!