I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.