LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My dating profile:
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK