LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?