Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
You Might Also Like
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!