lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Pickled cat.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.