lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
just pretend nothing happened
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Not recommended for beginners.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Twitter fine art
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020