Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.