[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Actually cracking up @ this
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”