[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.