*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname