*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Meow
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship