*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you