A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.