People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
You Might Also Like
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.