Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
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[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Anyone really
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.