lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Fixed this for Shakespeare
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Match dot com, but for socks.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Meanwhile in Portland…
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.