Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Proctology is located in A55
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice