Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Has there ever been a more American story?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Lol.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now