I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
this is uni
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.