@Bluestmoon_: Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.
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@BrainFumbles: They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn't land on her feet and now I'm in jail for murder.
@ericsshadow: DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what's this for? ME: it's a tip DOCTOR: okay but you're still dying ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
@EverydayGirlDad: 4yo: You're a good dad. Me: Thanks. 4yo: You'd be better if you said yes more. Me: Okay. 4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
@jennyandteets: Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned.