If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright