[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
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Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
this has done me in for some reason
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My god she’s good.