Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
And now we wait