One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Buck naked
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.