Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.