[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
This is my brand.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
This hospital has everything
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild