Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent