Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
the icebreaker
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”