Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Oh, I bet you would be
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.