Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
You Might Also Like
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
*mops up wine with cat*
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Social Media and Real life
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?